![]() Most of the time, it was because it was time to move on. Sometimes something just didn’t feel right anymore, and other times things ended because I shouldn’t have been friends with those bitches in the first place. Sometimes they ended because I didn’t have the language to speak to the things that I was going through, so it felt easier to ghost and be ghosted. Sometimes relationships ended because shit got too heavy. ![]() I guess we never think that the friendships that anchor us through the bs can come to an end. Yet we are likely to be better equipped to handle changes and endings in romantic relationships. Those motherfuckers are the hardest to heal and reconcile with. This tickled a wound I’ve been tending to, of friendship break-ups and the prickly tenderness of changes in important relationships. I note the friends that fell off the invitation lists and those recently added. Sometimes people I had just met or barely knew were now, unbeknownst to them, playing a role I had assigned without their consent, without truly getting to know them. It also releases the expectations I had of others. This releases expectations I felt others had of me, the projections and pressure to show up and be a certain way. I giggle at my openness, my desire to be everybody’s friend and my desperation to belong. People that never showed up because they had literally never interacted with me outside of projects. The blurred lines between friend, kin, acquaintance, colleague, community, someone I know and someone I know of can be confusing and can lead to exploitative relationships that reflect the values of a capitalistic and individualistic society.Īs I prepared for my last hoorah in my 20s, I found myself scrolling through previous birthday shindig invitations and cringing. People name-drop people they have only briefly interacted with. ![]() People become steps on someone else's ladder or the mat they wipe their feet on to remove the muck before taking another step. I also find the dynamics of love bombing during certain interactions, and then silence when the extraction is over, leechy and boring, although the social climbing of it is rather amusing. I can’t define or explain the point I speak of, but for me it’s this embodied sense of home, familiarity and deep trust. And while there have been people I’ve instantly connected with, the older I get the more I find myself needing time and space to engage intentionally, before arriving at a certain point of friendship. I see friendship as a container of sacred space that is cultivated and nurtured over time. I find the over-familiarity and false sense of knowing each other that social media gives strangers overwhelming and quite jarring. I’m terrible at making new friends and I’m finding this is not necessarily a good thing for someone about to enter their 30s.
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